COPYRIGHT NOTICE
Original Manuscript Copy: This is not the final version. You are welcome to read, like and comment. Do not copy, cite, or distribute without the express written permission of the author.
© Perry A. Simpson 2022
Published by The Lemon Zest Project
Written by Perry Simpson
Knockmonlea, Youghal, Co. Cork, Ireland
(Tel: +353 (0)86 109 2836)
Contact author@simpsonperry.com
Enough
by Perry Simpson (Comical Diary of Emily Rae)
It was Saturday morning. Farmer’s market day and Ethel and Janet sat at their regular table close to the window. Cobbler's tea room was busy. The audience for the reading of the latest antics of Emily Rae had grown somewhat.
Emily Rae had a flair for adventure since her husband had passed away. He left her a pretty penny or two and she pursued her version of the bucket list. The latest was a tour of Europe on a red Vespa. Her escapades had become legendary in Cobbler's Tea room. Having caused chaos on the tour de France, she then got mixed up in a feud between two brothers over a parakeet.
Beryl had received another letter from Emily. She was late, which was unusual for her. The door opened and all eyes gazed at Beryl as she crossed the threshold into the warm.
'It's a bit nippy out there, I tell you.' Beryl removed her olive green coat, black scarf and woolly hat.
#
'Now, ladies, I have received another letter from Emily.' Her eyes rolled upwards into her eyelids. 'Wait till you hear this.' She shook her head.
'Well, go on then. Don't keep us in suspense as in one of those game shows,' Ethel sighed.
'Yeah, the bit where they are about to announce the winner and everyone then pauses,' Janet added.
'Look, do you want to hear this or not?' Beryl huffed.
The room fell silent. The audience was ready.
Beryl unleashed the tale:
Dear all,
Costa Bravo was fab. The food and wine were OK. I stayed a little longer than expected. I met a very nice young man who showed me his tan and his rare collection of tattoos.
Beryl paused, looking over her glasses.
The faces were a mixture of smiles and horror.
My journey took me back from Portugal and into Spain. My ass cheeks are still painful. Had to have another injection to ease the swelling. So, I took the quacks advice and stopped over in Spain for a couple of days.
The food was unusual for my taste buds, but you know me, I have to try everything. Seafood is popular as you would expect. I met up with a nice couple, Tania and David, from the UK who retired here ten years ago. So, they showed me the ropes.
One night, we went to a gorgeous little place on the seafront. Sitting and eating when David plunged headfirst into his dinner. Everyone thought he had a heart attack. People were buzzing around. The place was in complete chaos. The restaurant owner was so worried that it was the food. So, we ate for free. Result.
According to his wife, this is a normal occurrence. He is not supposed to drink alcohol with his medication. The following night, the same again. I couldn't handle this so I made my excuses the following night. That night I dined in a nice little place, El Tapas U. Well, they say curiosity killed the cat. I couldn't resist trying the squid.
Beryl paused for a sip of her tea.
Janet and Ethel threw anxious looks.
'Where was I?
'I could resist the squid,' Janet answered.
'Ah, yes.'
It came in a bowl of this black stuff. It looked like black ink or dirty engine oil. It went everywhere. I got all over my clothes, the table cloth, the floor. To cap it all, the waiter slipped on his arse in it and broke his arm. I think I will stick to the steak tartare with chips.
'Why is it wherever she goes there is chaos?' Janet laughed.
'She's like a magnet that attracts trouble.'
'Can I carry on? There's a lot more.'
They all took a large gulp of tea and topped the cups up from their individual stainless teapots.
I have had enough of Spain and its cuisines by now. Time to move on. So, I went back to France. The plan was to head for Switzerland for a bit of yodelling. Got lost several times and bought a GPS thingy. It was a great little gadget. You'll love it, Ethel. Hands-free with a headset that fitted to the inside of my helmet. No more maps!
It talks to you all the time. Some dolly bird with a Liverpudlian accent. Karen, her name was. Gives you directions as you go. It was great. Well at first, then it started to get lost when I entered Switzerland. I asked it for directions to a place called Bergün.
All seemed fine at first. I knew the place was close to some mountains and thought it a great idea to have a few days off to do some hiking. Give my arse time to recover. I could get some fresh down my lungs and let my hair down.
Well, I don't know what went wrong. I followed the directions that Karen gave me, but I don’t think she’d ever been to Switzerland. The roads were lovely to start with, but as soon as I got out into the country, they got worse. Karen just kept saying your destination is ahead. She was like a sticking record. I kept following her advice along this winding dirt trail.
I kept telling myself this can't be right. The track took me higher and higher up this mountain until the inevitable happened. I ran out of fuel. I had no idea where I was. I couldn't believe they would have built a hotel up this high.
There I was met by a valley full of goats. Didn't know what to do. There was no way I could push the bike back down the bumpy trail.
Then, I remembered that this GPS thingy had a panic alarm feature. One press and it would send my location and an SOS alert to emergency services. I pressed. Nothing. No bleep. No acknowledgement. Nothing at all. My GPS unit was out of juice. Flat battery to you ladies.
Not sure what to do, I made a small shelter to protect myself from the wind. Girl guides camp training came in handy here. All I could do was wrap myself in clothing, keep warm and get some sleep. What else could I do?
'Well,' Ethel laughed. 'She's more gall than I have. Sleeping alone on a mountain like that.'
'What was she thinking?' Janet asked. 'You know what she's like with anything technical.'
'Could be the GPS was compatible with Swiss roads.' Ethel looked at Beryl.
'There is more to come, ladies, but let's get a top-up.'
#
Everyone made themselves comfortable for the conclusion.
Beryl shuffled and turned the page.
I soon drifted off to sleep, but not for long. I could see several eyes moving in the distance. They were getting closer. It was one of those moments that I wished I had my gun.
'She's got a gun?' Ethel interrupted.
'Shush,' Janet snapped.
'Yes, but that's another story,' Beryl continued.
I stood still. Doing my best to hide from the advancing eyes. Then, from out of nowhere, a huge bright light appeared scanning the ground around me. It was so bright. I thought aliens had invaded the earth. I buried myself under my clothes and hoped they wouldn't find me. I didn't fancy a ride in a spaceship. Not after the day I had had.
They approached from all directions. I could hear dogs barking in the distance. I could hear voices but couldn't make out what they were saying. It was some strange sort of language. I had my mace spray at the ready.
It all went quiet. All I could only hear was a dog sniffing at my ankles. I could feel their presence. I threw up the blanket and sprayed them all.
Well, to cut a long story short. They weren't aliens at all. It was a Swiss mountain rescue team. My bleeper on the GPS worked, even with a flat battery. I was fine. Some of them had to go to the hospital to have their eyes washed. They seemed to find my story amusing.
That's it for now. Resting up in the Alps for a few days.'
Emily.
Ethel and Janet looked at Beryl.
She was trying not to raise a smile.
The whole cafe burst out into laughter.
'I tell you I have had enough of this. They'll lock her up one day, that they will,' Beryl smirked.